Thursday, May 03, 2007


As millions in Scotland, Wales and the English counties head for the polling booths today, where they will stand hopelessly scratching their arses and wondering who to vote for, SLAG is proud to present the British public with our own election candidates. At long last you have the alternative you deserve, and a raft of candidates who will truly represent your needs and desires. As you read our candidates' election statements below we are sure you will feel that strange stirring in your flesh which heralds something really revolutionary. Vote SLAG!

These candidates are nominated by the SLAG Election Committee: Carolina Díaz San Francisco, Debbie Shaw, Josie Malinowski, Merl, Nacho Díaz Vazquez, Paul Cowdell and Stephen Maddison.

Vote for me because I have absolutely nothing to recommend me except my utter lack of regard for society or the barnacle of my conscience that every day glistens more fully with the dark green ooze that was once was the promising youth, but the aspiring elderly keep trying to usurp our bus stops -- with their sticks and their aged faces they try to discover the real meaning. When I ask you to vote for me I hope you understand that with your vote the illusion of thousands will be taken into consideration.

Unlike my rival candidates, I have many years' experience of crustacean administration, and am able to number the pearls of Sirius among my most vascular cretins. Nevertheless with some humility I must acknowledge that not everything is in my hand, but I have and must acknowledge that the universe is also playing, not just me but the universe and everything in it should be burnt to the ground.

Oh, and all trousers should be raised by two inches.

Let there be blackouts in every city, every village, every cottage, and let the blackouts be full of throbbing. And may the humming of passion ring.


Dolly the Sheep:

Vote for me
because ...
I'm a dead clone.


There are no women like me. I am unique. That makes me rather dangerous. To the firing point - now! Absolute power... think of it. It is beautiful. Ours will be the only voice, imagination our only limit. It's an old wall...I hope you don't die before you reach it. Maximum power!


Sick of being promised the earth? Then vote for the moon ...

(This election broadcast has been paid for by Lycanthropes Against Bourgeois Democracy.)


Vote for Julio because he will make your local council a more romantic place, a place where you can feel love all around.

Vote for Julio because he will change your neighbourhood, improving the quality of life by bringing out the Latin spirit in you.

Vote for Julio as a serious alternative to the New Labour Sir Cliff Richard.

The North Sea:

Teeming with ravachols I glide unseen beneath tectonic skies. Blim-blam-blim-blam as dark as any cuticle, holding my fissure, streaky palms rolling like tinderwheels, there where the earth-rig reflects back to the firepower. Splayed like wet amber, I monster up a kingdom. I'm purblind and sacred. My saddle roars.

The Cyclops Woman:

“I was sitting there, red faced when suddenly Biff was struck by a meteor. I completely forgot about the damn bird, determined to do what's right and proper and be hit by a chunk of space rock. I waited. I waited more. Looking around all my friends had been hit. But not me. I cried out "Is this a cruel joke? Can I be denied this which I desire so?" but it was without result. My anger spent I remained there... looking to the heavens and cursing the bird on my Penis, It was a nice bird. Although it lacked firm breasts...But I still liked it. Then all of a sudden, this chick came up to us. She was quite a sight, having one tit centred in her chest, later we found out she was the Cyclops woman…”
Babble, a builder at the Olympic stadium


1 comment:

martin marriott said...

Shit! You guys got my vote! I was beginning to doubt the sanity of anyone on that smelly little island, but clearly there is still hope! Still, I wouldn't like to run into you in a deserted alleyway. I mean, I would. I mean... right now, in the unfalse, unelectable dirt